your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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