It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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