smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
