"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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