There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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