my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
