I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
is wine microwaveable?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
