My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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