I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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