Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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