I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
