Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
