Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
