is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
