Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
