if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
