Your face is a jimmy john
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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