Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
