It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
