I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
