I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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