The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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