his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
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