I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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