My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
