the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
