fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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