Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
