i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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