I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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