I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
