Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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