He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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