My room smells like vodka and shame
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
