the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
