he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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