I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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