My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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