I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
