Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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