why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
