Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i think my cat just said my name.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
