i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
