Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
