Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
