Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
