Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
