We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
