i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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