I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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