I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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