Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
